Sighing just a little bit, smiling just a little bit.

Weeks, months pass by in a flash, or so it seems anyway. I have had yet another break from writing here, not because I do not train or cook or maintain whatever needs to be maintained outside of here. My reason for not being here, is mainly due to the battle I am currently fighting with my own body, my own hormones and Hashimoto’s. And I do not like to complain, I do not like to whine about my situation because I know that many, many, many have it so much worse. That way too many beautiful souls are busy fighting battles far, far worse than the one that is occupying my life. And despite my current struggles, I am lucky, I truly am. Because I have normal energy levels, I can train, stay up late (ish, I have never been an evening/night person) concentrate and do amazingly well at my studies and simply enjoy life to the fullest. And I am tremendously grateful for that, I truly am. Yet, I cannot wish for anything else but finding out exactly what it is that is wrong in my body. What it is that is causing me problems and then treat it, if treatable. The peace of mind to know, in times like this, I believe it to be the most important key to peace of mind. To find out and become aware. To attain needed information and be able to process it all. These are the current thoughts running through my mind, when my new doctor interprets recent test results, wrinkles his forehead and gently says ‘you are an odd case indeed’. And I cannot do anything but smile, because in truth, I have never done anything by half measures. It has always been about all or nothing, so I see no reason to why my potential Hashimoto’s related problem would be anything but extraordinary. Its just the way my life seem to be, and that is okay. I just need to know.

So I have spent the past month seeing my doctor and the nurses on numerous occasions, my arms have been battered and blue from all the different blood tests. Several potential problems have been knocked off the list, some which disappeared with a huge sigh or relive and some I am awaiting results for next week. And within those tests some of the worst nightmares reside, some conditions that many peoples worst nightmares are made of. So we will see, what next week will bring forth. Ever the optimist I still hope that it will be something good, that even if bad appears among the news, that something good will come out of it. That somehow, in that potential curtain of darkness a ray of light will shine through. And till then, I will keep on running, hitting those paths with a mix of gentle fury and delight. I will keep on lifting in the gym, growing stronger, pushed by my newly hired personal trainer and I will continue to enjoy the silence of November and the darkness in- and of the forest. Tall and green, breathing calmness all over my entire being and through everything that I am.

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